On perfectionism…
… and why it’s great to be a beginner.
When I was a kid, I was pretty good at a lot of things. Telling a story. Playing the piano. Doing math (except for geometry). Playing any sport that required hand eye coordination (softball, volleyball, frisbee). So I did those things all the time. And the things that I wasn’t naturally talented at – in particular singing, dancing, any kind of visual art or craft - I stayed away from. I always thought I had to be really good at something in order to have any business doing it. In high school and then college and even grad school, I wouldn’t participate in class discussions because I thought that if I was going to say anything, it had to be so profound … and perfect. And so instead of trying and being imperfect, I just wouldn’t say anything.
I was (am?) a perfectionist.
Perfectionism is a tendency to hold yourself to unrealistic high standards.
Perfectionism is being self critical when you don’t reach those high standards.
Perfectionism is the belief that our worth is based on our performance.
Perfectionism is almost always tied to procrastinating or avoidance, because when you don’t want to feel bad about how you perform at something, it’s just easier not to do it, so you don’t feel those negative emotions.
While there may be a time and place for perfectionism (open heart surgery, aircraft flying and landing?), the way you spend your leisure time should NOT be one of them.
I believe that one way to let go of perfectionist is to have a beginner mindset.
For many of us, the beginner stage is something we want to go through as quickly as possible, so we can sit in our comfort zone, feel competent, and feel experienced or even feel like an expert.
But truly being a beginner at something can be a liberating, even magical experience. There can be tremendous joy in learning something new – even if it’s something you’re not “good” at. And … you can benefit from a beginner mindset even if you’ve been “trying that new thing” for many years.
Here are a few ways to do it:
Be curious. Try to approach whatever you are doing with curiosity, not judgment. This is NOT easy for me. When I go rock climbing, I can’t tell you how many times I sabotage myself before even beginning to do a climb – this is way too hard for me, I’m not going to be able to do it, I’m going to embarrass myself…
I think I’m being realistic and lowering expectations, but really I am just sapping the joy out of a pastime that is supposed to be fun. I know how hard this one is for us perfectionists, but each time you are about to say “I can’t ….,” try saying.. “Hey, let’s just see what will happen.”
Be ok with being uncomfortable. I see this struggle a lot with my beautiful daughters (also perfectionists), who expect things to come easily to them. And when they don’t… well, there’s the temptation to just give up. If you’re starting out at something – a new job, a new skill, (a new running group), there will be times when it’s not easy or comfortable. If you give yourself permission to just sit with the uncomfortableness for a bit and keep going, you will be rewarded with learning and growth and all that good stuff.
Replace self-consciousness with a sense of humor. Did you ever see the Friends episode when Rachel doesn’t want to run with Phoebe because of what she looks like when she runs?
Rachel: Well, y'know, the reason I didn't wanna go running with you is because um, well y'know the way that you run is a little...(Starts flapping her arms)
Phoebe: So?
Rachel: Well, it's embarrassing. People were looking at us like we were crazy.
Phoebe: Why do you care?
Rachel: Because they're people.
Phoebe: But people that you don't know and will never see again.
Rachel: Yes, but still. They're people…with eyes.
Phoebe: Well… I'm just more free y'know? I run like I did when I was a kid, cause that's the only way it's fun. I mean didn’t you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off? Y'know, like when you were like running towards the swings or running away from Satan? (Rachel looks confused) The neighbor's dog. =)
Rather than worrying about what you look like or if you’re wearing the right thing or if you are going to be the worst at something, just be like Phoebe!
Look. There are horrible things happening around the world right now and so much uncertainty. Let’s not waste a second of time worrying about how silly we look or being embarrassed about being the slowest or worst at something. Instead, let’s keep the things that are supposed to be fun and joyful fun and joyful. No matter what we look like.
All MoveRunPlay workouts are beginner-friendly. But two that will particularly appeal to you if you consider yourself a beginner are our walk/run program, and our MoveStrengthenStretch classes, both in Prospect Park.
Register for any class on our schedule and use the code FIRSTFREE at checkout.